


The Good Part Of Me

by endofmayorearlyjune



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alana and Zoe are iconic, College AU, I hope, M/M, Slow Burn, Treebros, connor is so small and soft don’t judge him, evan is just a tired boy leave him alone, everyone is a queen really, everyone is mostly happy, fight me if this sucks, heidi is a queen, jared is the coolest cat on the block
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-29
Updated: 2017-11-28
Packaged: 2019-02-07 21:10:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12849597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/endofmayorearlyjune/pseuds/endofmayorearlyjune
Summary: Evan Hansen’s number one worry in life is getting through college without crumbling to a bunch of sad, pathetic, tree expert pieces. Connor Murphy’s number one worry in life is getting through a whole year of university without attacking Evan Hansen’s lips with his own every ten seconds. (Because Evan Hansen is totally straight, yes Connor, he is. Back off.)





	The Good Part Of Me

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_It’s going to be a good day, and here’s why: you’re starting college today! You’re absolutely, positively, undeniably going to make new friends, which means more memories, which means more happiness. For sure._

_At least that’s what Mom says. But, dear Evan, we don’t like to kid ourselves. None of that will happen, at least within your lifetime. Because you are you, and that is most definitely not enough._

_Everyone likes to believe you’re better, or you’ll get better, or that these stupid letters are working (eg., mother dearest.) But you know that’s not true because all your life you’ve just been...waving through a window. You watch people pass and you wonder if they’ll ever wave back. They never do._

_To pile on top of that fact, you have to share a dorm. With another male. And you like males, very much so. It would help if you at least knew who he was, but you have absolutely no clue. Guess why? You were too nervous to ask. I had hoped it was Jared, but he had profusely denied that fact (best friends get tired of being around you 24/7 for 18 years.)_

_So, you don’t know your dorm mate, you have a dumb cast that would belong on a ten year old (except you ~fell~ out of a tree) and you’re an anxious, useless, and minorly depressed piece of garbage._

_anyway._

_It’s going to be a great day, and week, and month, and four years. Totally. That’s what Mom says, that’s what Dr. Sherman says, and that’s even what Jared says. Evan Hansen, as you, I know you know that is not true (paradox ?)_

_Sincerely,_

_me._

Evan Hansen sighs as he copies and pastes the draft into a different document. He shoves it into his overflowing folder labeled Evan’s Teen Angst and shuts his laptop screen, telling himself he’d write an actual one later. To make Mom happy. (He didn’t understand how Mom could be happy when the point was to deceive himself into fake happiness, but Evan did it anyway.)

He glanced around his room that was now devoid of all of the things that had previously brought life to it, but were now in boxes ready to be shipped away. Evan realizes that his mother had been outside for quite sometime-she had to handle talking to the moving people, Evan would have most likely cried if he had to.

Heidie Hansen puts on her certified Mom expression, big smile, wide, awake eyes, and cheery voice, and regains her composure before turning the knob to her son’s room. It’s emptiness alarms her, and she fights to hold back tears as she snakes up behind her son who was overwhelmingly grown up and hugs him.

Evan groans and jumps, his heart racing fast. “M-Mom! Don’t- please don’t do that!”

Heidi gave him an apologetic look and sat next to him on the bare floor “Sorry Ev, today’s just so exciting! You’re all grown up! I’m so happy that you decided to skip that gap year and just go straight to school, and I’m glad you won that scholarship.”

Evan could always see through her facade like glass; her smile was always frustrated and her eyes were always tired. Evan was anxious, not stupid. Even if he knew she meant her words, the enthusiasm wasn’t there. It hadn’t really been for a while.

When Evan quietly nodded, she continued, “I-It seems like you started kindergarten just last week! With your Mickey Mouse backpack and those little uggs that you refused to take off, and your huge toothless smile. And now! Now, you’re going to college! I’m just so proud-“

Evan tuned out the rambling as he thought dryly about where he got his habit from. He vaguely recognized the silence after his Mom stopped speaking and laughed humorlessly, muttering a slight “Yeah, it’s great.”

Heidi’s face fell and Evan suddenly felt terrible. Sure, he didn’t like to be coddled, but he knew his mom was trying. “Sorry m-mom. Um, I’m just-Uh, tired. I’m tired. Not a lot of sleep.”

She knew that it wasn’t the whole truth, but she didn’t say anything about it directly, instead grabbing his face. “Hey, it is going to be a good day. You been writing those letters? I know they help a lot.”

The guilty feeling piled onto his conscious as he thought about all of the negative things he had written, and had been writing since what he solely liked to call the “Evan Is An Acorn” incident, thanks to Jared. “Yep, I just started one for today.”

She smiled wide and kissed his forehead gently. ”Well, the car’s started. Let’s go get you to that dorm!”

Evan followed her hesitantly, not bothering to look over his room one last time and closing the door. The truck pulled out of the driveway, and somehow, he was filled with even more dread than the last time a truck had been leaving his property.

________

If he was honest, the size of the campus intimidated him. Everything intimidated him, of course, but this was just a bit extra.

Heidi insisted she stay a while to help him unpack, maybe even the night, she could take off work the next day. Evan sputtered out a lame excuse along the lines of “W-well, um, the room’s kind of small and there might not- there’s nowhere for you to sleep, and uh, I need to-get adjusted? To being on my own? Yeah, that. So it’s okay Mom, you don’t have to- you shouldn’t miss work or class for me.”

She secretly looked relieved at his statement and gave him a grand kiss on the cheek before gathering her purse. “It’s going to be a great year, Evan! I’ll call you every day in between work or class, and you better answer. Make friends. Ask some kids to sign your cast. Make up an outlandish story about how you broke it,” she gripped his shoulders tightly. “I love you. I’ll see you for thanksgiving, right?”

Evan nodded and kissed her on the cheek. “I love you too, mom.” Even if Heidi could be a bit... overbearing at times, he meant it. With that she was gone, and Evan was left with a few hours at most until his roommate showed up and an overwhelming amount of boxes.

_Great day, great week, great month, great year. Go, Evan Hansen._

•

Connor Murphy was extremely angry. Well, Connor is always angry, but his angry was a different type. He wasn’t angry at Larry, or Cynthia, or Zoe (scratch that, he was always mad at them under the surface). He was angry at life, and how nothing ever seemed to go right for him.

He stared down at the sticky note that had lost all its stick and held barely legible scribbles. Despite that fact, he could read it clear as day. _Room 301; Evan Hansen._

Evan Hansen. The boy who, despite not knowing him personally, Connor thought he could escape after high school. So, unless this was a different Evan Hansen, he clearly had no such luck.

Connor never seemed like the boy who would have huge, pining, and frankly, quite embarrassing and prolonged crushes. Especially on boys. 

But Evan Hansen was a hell of a lot to take in for Connor, and he had been since the second week of sophomore year when he finally decided to lift his head and look at his peers. Under the biggest oak tree on the school grounds say the boy who Connor had known all his life, in a way, but had never talked to or connected with. Nobody knew Evan, actually, but everyone knew that he was jumpy, and anxious, and sometimes he cried for no reason during school. So everyone left him alone.

Anyway, Evan had been reading a huge book about trees, and Connor’s first thought was “that is just about the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever seen” because who doesn’t pity the boy sitting alone under a tree. (Funny coming from the freak of the school.)

Jared Kleinman eventually showed up, and Connor saw how Evan’s face lit up and felt a happy, warm feeling inside of him-no matter how much he hated Jared Kleinman for calling his hair School Shooter Chic when it was obviously Drug Addict Chic. Evan talked animatedly about trees, and Jared laughed at him but listened, and Connor couldn’t believe that he got to witness Evan feeling so comfortable and at ease. Although he wouldn’t admit it, Connor went home and sketched that scene over and over again, wanting to get it right.

He figured that was when he developed a crush, and maybe Evan was just the exception, not the rule, but that was also when he figured out he was obviously not straight.

Connor shook throughout the entire car ride, and immediately just wanted to go inside and not have to deal with any of his family running into Evan and saying something terrible. Of course, Cynthia Murphy insisted that Larry help Connor bring up all his belongings- “he’s your son for god sakes!”(They both groaned loudly, which stung Connor because it came from his grown-ass father.)

The silence was thick until they reached the door with the last two boxes. Larry tensely turned to Connor, not looking him in the eye like a “real man” would, as he had always claimed. He clapped him hard on the shoulder, hard enough to make even Connor flinch. “I, uh, I guess this is it for a few months now, son,” he started. The fact that he actually made an effort surprised Connor, until he continued speaking. “Maybe college can be the gateway that helps you realize all of this is a phase, and maybe next time I see you this whole thing will wear off.”

Connor could feel his face contorting with anger and maybe a little hurt, even if he would never admit it. He immediately knew exactly what his father was talking about. “It’s not a fucking phase, it’s who I am, and if you have a problem then leave this campus now and don’t expect to see me until the end of the fucking year.”

His hands had a weird feeling running down them, and he realized he had dug his nails so far into them as he tried to keep his composure that he drew a surprising amount of blood. He almost wanted to laugh at how fast the situation had changed. 

Larry mirrored Connor’s expression and put on a more frightful tone. “Cut the crap, Connor. Don’t get angsty now, I’m stating facts. It’s time for you to grow the hell up.”

“That’s rich coming from someone who can’t see that the world has evolved and he’s not a child in, what, the 1700s anymore!” Connor stopped just short of yelling. That was the longest he had ever gone without throwing a huge fit, and the only thing keeping his composure together was the fact that Evan might be just inside of the door. 

“Okay, you know what? You are coming to thanksgiving, and Christmas, and birthdays, and all of this homosexual bullshit will be over. Over! And if it’s not, then I will take matters into my own hands. Now, go inside and try not to get so damn high all the time, hm?”

It was like a dam crumbling under too much water pressure, or a branch caving under the weight of something that had been sitting on it too long. Connor hand meant to yell or shove or see red, but that was exactly what happened. “I am an adult now! You do not order me around, you do not get to decide who I am and who I want to be! When will you ever fucking understand that, you useless piece of shit? When,” he shoved Larry lightly, not enough to hurt him but to emphasize how serious he was. “Will. You. Under. Stand!”

Larry kept his stony expression and let his son break in front of him. “Thanksgiving. I will see you then.”

•

Kool Kat: r u here yet

me: Yes, I just finished unpacking.

Kool Kat: WAIT FR

Kool Kat: VISIT MY DORM

me: That’s a stretch and a half.

Kool Kat: come on I’m room 305

me: Wait seriously?

Me: I’m 301.

Kool Kat: BIGGER REASON TO VISIT YOUR BEST FRIEND

Evan sighed and pocketed his phone, not bothering to put on shoes to walk literally five feet. Before he could even knock on the door it was swung open “Evan Hansen! Human embodiment of an acorn! How’s college treating ya?”

Evan rolled his eyes, walking past Jared to go inside. “It’s- it’s literally only been two hours. I already know it’s not gonna be a good year.”

Jared patted Evan’s back sympathetically, “You have me, bud. And you have whoever is your roommate.”

Evan nodded, about to change the subject when he heard a faint yelling coming from the hallway. He flinched as it got louder, his heart racing like it had that morning. Jared held his hand to calm him down when he noticed his distressed look. “Hey, they’re just being loud. Nobody’s yelling at you. It’s okay, it’s just college. Just college.”

”Just college,” Evan whispered, calming down as the yelling stopped and a door slammed. 

“Come on, let’s go eat, treeboy,” Jared suggested, standing up.

”I-I don’t have any money.”

”Hm, it’s okay, I could repay you for being my car insurance all these years.”

”Deal. Let me borrow a pair of shoes though.”

___________

Evan feels better about university after spending time with Jared and knowing he’s only a hall away if anything happened. He completely forgot about the fact that he would have to face his new roommate until he stopped in front of the room, the plain door staring back at him.

He took deep breaths, fumbling with his keys as he tried to open the door but failing more than once. His hands were shaking, which was bad considering he didn’t even know whether his roommate was even there yet.

He was.

Evan stood in the door, the air suddenly becoming awkward. It was Connor Murphy. The Connor Murphy who had thrown a printer at their second grade teacher, the Connor Murphy who apparently had a weed and anger problem, the Connor Murphy who happened to be brother of Zoe Murphy, the girl who Evan thought he was in love with for four years straight.

Connor Murphy is a lot of things.

He was hanging up lights on his wall; tiny Christmas lights that were the only things that provided just that-the main light was off for some reason and the sun was in the midst of setting.

Connor hadn’t seen Evan yet, as he had his headphones in and was faced the wall. Evan’s hands started to sweat and he fiddled with the hem of his shirt as he contemplated how to introduce himself. (Surely Connor wouldn’t know him, nobody did.)

He walked farther into the room, bumping into a stray box and letting out a loud squeal of pain as it hit his (again) bare foot. Connor whirled around, ripping his headphones out. Evan’s face contorted into one of uncomfortableness and nerve. 

“H-hey, um, I’m Ev-Evan Hansen, n-nice to meet you?”

He immediately cursed himself for pretending not to know who Connor was and greeting him in the form of a question. He cringed and his hands left his shirt and took to fiddling around each other.

Connor’s shocked face turned into one of...disgust? Almost? His tone was harsh enough that it made Evan’s heart race as he said, “Yeah, I know. We’ve only been going to school with each other for the past thirteen fucking years.”

Evan was relieved that Connor knew him but distraught over how the encounter had started. “No! I, Uh, I knew that, C-Connor- it’s just that- um. I know who you are I just- I didn’t think anyone from school knows who I am. So.”

Connor hummed noncommitedly and turned back to his wall. “Whatever, Hansen. Just because we went to school together doesn’t mean we’re friends and doesn’t mean we ever will be. Keep to your fucking self and I’ll do the same, and don’t test me.”

Evan nodded even though Connor couldn’t see him and sat on his bed, his heart racing at Connor’s harsh words. Evan’s throat got dry as he thought about how he always messed everything up and his hands started to shake when he realized he was very well going to cry and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

He curled up and let some stray tears fall out, praying that Connor wouldn’t look his way and realize that the guy he was stuck with for a year was a drama queen who couldn’t handle confrontation (it happened a lot more than you think).

_Great day, Evan Hansen._

**Author's Note:**

> These end notes will get a lot more interesting once the story actually starts, but for now I just wanna say hi and ask for any feedback you might have. Comment whatever you have to say! Thank you for reading my shitty story


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